Translations by: wyn0602 @ CEFC
Source: HIM Website Ah Zhong: Am I Really Luckier Than You All? I Am Truly Luckier Than All of You!
In the last month, her life each day has been very simple.
Repeating cycles of cleansing her wounds, skin grafting, changing her bandages, taking anesthetics, taking painkillers, and along with a weakened immune system, continuous infections, fevers, rashes, sweating, shakes and trembles, sleeping, bad dreams, insomnia, semi-consciousness, feeling hot and cold and that never-ending pain. Turned out, when you suffers from having a large area of 3rd burns, you can't even kill yourself . Because she cannot move, and for quite awhile, she was in so much pain that she did not even have the strength to bite off her tongue. I don't where she got her amazing strength to keep her going to this day.
She really wants to get better, but whether it is turning her body or going through simple rehabilitation, each little movement took a long time to complete and each little improvement brought heart wrenching pain. She is afraid of becoming addicted to morphine and constantly warns herself to bear with the pain a little longer instead of relying on the medication. She worries about Ren-ba's gradual weight loss. so each day she grits her teeth and forces herself to improve in order to lessen Ren-ba's worries. Her fingers have not regain its dexterity but she would ask me to log online for her and read your postings, crying and laughing as she reads them. Upon seeing her red puffy face, she would self-deprecatingly said that she resembled Guan Gong (a Chinese demi-god with a red face) yet secretly cried about it and asked me whether her face would get better. Upon seeing her legs during the changing of bandages, she would describe the injury as a jigsaw puzzle, then she would in turns laugh for no reasonable and be lost in her thoughts. She is often deeply in thoughts and after a while, would sobbed in her grief: [I treat everyone so nicely, why must I suffer this type of pain? What am I going to do?] After a while, she would force a smile and comfort herself: [I am very lucky already, with so many people caring about me, I will persevere!] During each changing of the bandages, she would pray to God to give her the strength of withstand the pain; each night before she goes to sleep, she would pray and thank God for lasting yet another day and pray to God to help her face the next day, begging God for a good night's sleep.
If she can lose consciousness or feeling temporarily, everything should be a little better.
In the last month, my life each day is also very simple.
That is helplessly watching all these happening, watching her in pain, watching her trying to smile through the pain, watching her worrying, watching her emotional ups and downs, watching her pretending to be calm and watching her breaking down in tear. There was nothing I can do. I could only lie to her: [You made it today! Tomorrow, it would be better...] and lie to her again the next day.
I am not a Bodhisattva. I keep thinking: There must be some meaning for putting us through this test? To her, is it in preparation for greater things to come? To H & E, is it still necessary to put their friendship through a test? To me, making me watch her suffer every day, is it to test my EQ? Or is it to test Ren-ba and Ren-ma's merciful hearts? This can't be a test for their fans, right? Is it for the TV station? To the director and production crew responsible for the scene? There is some meaning to this, right? A few days earlier, there was a great fire in Shanghai that killed and injured several hundred people. My God! I can empathize. I cannot erase my mind of that horrible scene, a horror that I don't want to think about but at the same time can totally imagine. The police had immediately started investigation. Perhaps it was a crime that includes arson, explosives, death and injury. In that case, according to the TV station, what happened to her was due to negligence, would there be anyone to let us know what happened? Or perhaps, I am wrong. I should not think about anything. A test is a test, no need to have answers and therefore no need to have any meaning.
Perhaps if I don't have to see or think, I should feel a little better.
Am I really luckier than you all? I know I am luckier than all of you. You may be even more worried than I am, more helpless and feel more heartache. I believe that each of her tomorrow will be an improvement over today. I also believe that there is a meaning for this test.
Zhong
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